For the past 10 months, I have been fighting a battle with my body. I’m starting to think it hates me. I don’t remember what it was like to not be uncomfortable or in pain. I don’t remember what it’s like to not be exhausted. I don’t remember what it’s like to actually have energy. I don’t know what it’s like to feel ‘normal’. This illness has taken over my life and hasn’t made it very pleasant. I can’t wait to find out what is wrong with me.
On the 21st I will be put under general anaesthetic for a full camera investigation. Normally something like this is done under sedation. I cannot have sedation because my blood pressure is so low and earlier in the year I had a camera investigation that wasn’t a full one and honestly I have never been in so much pain. I was screaming. Never do I want to experience something like that again. Luckily the Dr I’m seeing now understands and is happy to put me to sleep. Honest, y the thought of that scares me. I’ve had anaesthetic before but there’s always a worry of ‘what if I don’t wake up’.
I’m scared that this test is going to show nothing. I’m also scared it’s going to show something. My Dr is doing this test to check from Crohn’s Disease and Colitis. Both are chronic illnesses neither of which I want to have. But, if I do have one of these at least I will have an answer.
I’ve lived with this problem everyday for 10 months. That may not sound like a long time but when you are in pain everyday and have a upset stomach everyday it’s exhausting. I’m scared of eating out. I’m scared of going out somewhere new. I’m scared of being me because of this problem.
At the moment I don’t know what to think or feel but the amount of support I’ve had on my Instagram post about this is amazing. So many people to the time to comment and give me some advice. It’s nice to know that ‘strangers’ care.
I decided I’m going to document my journey and see what the outcome is. If anything.